I haven’t felt like myself. If I’m being perfectly honest I’ve felt pretty lost for a while now. I mean, don’t get me wrong in the last few months I’ve had some amazing things happen to me. I graduated, got engaged, received the position that I really wanted, and I relocated to a new state. Again, a lot of amazing things and I’m grateful for each and every one of those blessings. But in the same breath I am so unsure.
Unsure of who I am, what I want for myself, and who I am outside of all of the many hats I wear on a daily basis.
While that was extremely hard to write and admit, it needed to be said. I needed to admit that for myself. For as long as I can remember I have had my studies, family, friends, and everything under the sun to distract me. To not only distract me but occupy my time so that I didn’t have to be still. Now that I’m out of school and have moved to another state I no longer have an excuse. Which is terrifying for obvious reasons.
On top of that, I have free time that I haven’t had in years. Initially, I thought that I would use this time to rest and reset before life picks back up again. But my mental health has had other plans for me. In fact I have spent most days feeling sad and unproductive for doing little to nothing due to my lack of energy. For so long I have equated what I’m able to get done and what I’m working to accomplish to my self worth that not being busy feels foreign. Like unexplored territory. What is supposed to be a time for rest feels more like I’m just being lazy which deep down I know isn’t true. Is it a Black woman thing? Is it a me thing? Am I alone in feeling like this?
I really don’t know sometimes.
But what I do know is that this isn’t healthy nor is this a place I want to remain. Not just because I want Danyale back, but because it’s more than just me that needs me to get through this. This isn’t just for me, but for the sake of breaking the generational curses sewn into my lineage. The history of mental illness and suffering in silence on my biological paternal side is scary and I reject it. I’m choosing me even if it is hard.
So I’m fighting like hell to make it back to me and forward to the best version of myself. And while it isn’t an overnight process it’s what I have to do if I want to make it out of this feeling alive. Writing this was just my first step toward wherever I’m going. No matter how long I go without doing it or how much I try to avoid it, God always seems to bring me right back to writing. So here I am. Transparent and unapologetic as f-ck.
I once heard someone say,
“God knows what he wants for us but do we know what he wants for us”
and I couldn’t help but to be moved.
Although my answer is presently no, I intend to find out. I want God to guide my steps and lead me into what is meant for me and away from what isn’t. More than anything I want a full understanding of myself. I desire to be so deeply aligned with who I am and where I’m headed that I don’t have time to pay even the slightest bit of attention to anyone else.
Today, that direction looked like getting up and getting dressed, getting fresh air, and journaling. In other words, I showed up for myself.
I share this to not only be transparent to my readers, but to also show that even when we feel alone we’re not. I know as well as anyone else who has gone through this that it does in fact get better. We just can’t lose that faith and you have to know that you’re not the only one. Even on my darkest and lowest days, I try to keep in mind that if I don’t hold out hope for myself then who will?
Most times we look for hope, faith, and more in others that we need to pull from within ourselves. So with that being said, I’m digging deep and hanging on — for Danyale.
If you or someone you know and love is going through a time like this I pray for healing and a life line. It ain’t over yet. You got this.