For the first time in my life, I genuinely don’t know what’s next for me. Over the past year I’ve accomplished a variety of things to be proud of. Graduating, an engagement, relocating, marriage. The whole nine. And yet, I’m still worried about the ‘next’ of it all. Because the dust has settled and I’m still not living the life I’d imagined. Marriage is good, so that’s no issue. But, the constant theme of not knowing myself has been a relentless constant in my life for sometime now.
I know that I’m a wife, a friend, a daughter, a teacher, a mentor, and so much more. Each hat I’m grateful to wear. However, in the same breath I’m afraid that I don’t know who I am outside of who I am to and for everyone else. The lingering question has been, who am I — for me? When no one’s looking or expecting something from me. It’s a loaded question with a heavy answer.
Quite frankly, I don’t know. Truthfully I have this innate feeling that I’m destined to be monumental and remarkable to say the least. But the fear I cling to has aided in my resistance in finding out just how remarkable I could be. Not because I’m afraid solely failing, but more so because the unknown scares me. Becoming this great version of myself, becoming everything I’ve ever dreamed of and then some scares me more than anything I’ve ever faced. The ‘what if’ of it all keeps me up at night in the continuous cycle of self loathing for not having the nerve to just go for it and reassuring myself that my ego wouldn’t recover from failure.
Now, I find myself at a point where I’m physically sick and in unwavering sadness. God tells me to write. Fear tells me I can’t do it before I’ve even put my best foot forward. Torn is the tip of the iceberg. Because . . . what if God’s right and writing is my way of arriving to me? Then what?
My worst fear is that I’ll gain a success that I personally cannot out do. At its core I believe the ultimate fear I have is being a one hit wonder in so many words. The question remains, what will happen to me if I am unable to continue to produce? What will become of me?
The choices are becoming clearer by the second — continue to avoid the inevitable and live an unfulfilled life OR take the leap, give my all to trying. This feels like the part where I say, “only time will tell”, but I’m sure that’d be predictable amongst other things.
So for now, I’ll just ask God to guide my steps and remove fear from my life. We only get one life right?